


Stardew Valley Chatfic

by Smallest



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Just some groupchat antics, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29297559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smallest/pseuds/Smallest
Summary: Abigail starts a groupchat with all the bachelors/bachelorettes in Pelican town to discuss a mayonnaise-related problem. Rated teen and up for swears.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I really like chatfics and I could only find like 2 for Stardew Valley, so. Enjoy. Other characters will show up in later chapters, but I didn't want to make it all muddled by having everyone show up all at once in the first chapter. Also realistically, not everyone would be online at once, which I will be using as my excuse. I won't tag characters until they actually appear or are at least mentioned so people won't click the fic expecting something that isn't here yet.

\- Fall 16th || Year 1 -

**Abigail added Sam, Sebastian, Maru, and 8 others to the group chat**

Abigail: ok guys,,,, we need to t a l k

Shane: No.

Penny: What do we need to talk about?

Sebastian: ew groupchat why

Sam: whts up aby 

Abigail: its about the farmer

Penny: Is everything okay?

Abigail: no

Abigail: he gives me 2 jars of mayonaise every week

Abigail: wtf am i supposed to do with all this fucking mayonnaise

Sam: he keeps givng me eggs

Sam: my mom likes it tho

Maru: Now that you mention it, he has also been giving me mayonnaise twice a week. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to consume that much mayonnaise.

Sebastian: is that where all the mayonnaise is coming from?

Sebastian: he just gives me quartz

Sebastian: which is starting to clutter up my desk

Penny: He’s been giving me mayo too? 

Haley: ME TOO. WHY

Abigail: something needs to be done abt this,,,,, i am goiNG to Scream

Sam: u dnt hav 2 keep the mayo??

Haley: Where am I supposed to throw away 12 jars of mayonnaise without him seeing, Sam. 

Sebastian: i’m less concerned about what to do with this stuff as i am to why

Sebastian: why is this dude giving everyone this junk

Maru: Maybe gift giving is his love language?

Sebastian: ok nerd

Haley: lol

Sam: burnnn

Abigail: seb youre the biggest nerd ive ever met

Sebastian: i will fight you

Haley: I can document the fight <3

Penny: Guys calm down. Abigail, if the gifts bother you so much you should just talk to him.

Abigail: i cant b the ONLY one who is bothered by this,,, 

Shane: you aren’t

Haley: I basically hate mayonnaise now.

Abigail: see!!!!! ! ! The Farmer Needs To Be Stopped

Sam: i dont hv a problm w free eggs

Sebastian: i literally have like 30 chunks of quartz in my room. farmer needs to chill

Penny: I think it’s kinda sweet that he’s giving us gifts... even if I don’t really want them...

Penny: It’s the thought that counts, right? 

Maru: Honestly I agree with Abigail. I don’t want to waste food by throwing it away, but I really don’t need all of this mayonnaise. 

Haley: If he gives me one more jar of mayonnaise I will literally scream

Sebastian: if maru agrees then i have to disagree out of principle. sorry abby

Abigail: SO SINCE WERE ALL IN AGREEMENT

Abigail: its time to hatch a Grand Plan to end these shitty gifts ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!


	2. Making plans is hard, actually

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group makes some... less than amazing plans. Maru and Penny are the group’s voice of reason. Elliot and Alex show up!

\- Fall 16th || Year 1 -

Elliot: Ah. So this is why I had 42 missed messages.

Elliot: I have to say Abigail, I too am suffering from an over abundance of mayonnaise.

Haley: So does anyone have any ideas orrrrrr

Shane: We could dump all the mayonnaise on his porch in a big pile.

Abigail: why??

Shane: Maybe he’ll slip and fall in it.

Maru: I don’t support that.

Sebastian: so we should def do it :)

Maru: He could get injured!

Elliot: I wouldn’t wish harm upon him, even if he is causing some annoyance…

Penny: I agree with Maru.

Sam: wut if we hav lewis make mayo ilegal

Abigail: LOL

Abigail: YES

Haley: oooooo!

Maru: I- 

Elliot: Can he do that? Just make things illegal on a passing whim?

Penny: Um I don’t think so…

Abigail: l a m e

Sam: aw

Haley: Why not? He’s literally the mayor

Alex: gruop chat? y are we talking about the mauor?

Sebastian: scroll up dude its not that hard 

Haley: Alex!! You’re here!

Alex: yea!

Abigail: guyssss Focus!!!

Shane: We haven’t seen you try to come up with a plan yet. 

Abigail: the WHOLE REASON i MADE this chat was bc i couldnt think of anything!!!!!

Sebastian: rip

Abigail: none of YOU GUYS took the initiative to make a group chat!!!

Alex: o hte farmer is givin u guys mayo to?

Maru: Yes, I think we’ve established that.

Elliot: I feel guilty throwing it away, but my cabin can only hold so much and it goes bad rather quickly when not refrigerated...

Sam: i liked my plan

Shane: Same.

Sam: aww u liked mine? :D

Shane: No, I liked mine.

Sam: o :(

Maru: Like Penny said earlier, I think the best course of action would be to just talk to the farmer directly.

Sebastian: no

Abigail: no

Alex: no 

Shane: No.

Haley: No <3

Elliot: I’d honestly prefer not too...

Maru: …

Maru: Alright then.

Alex: we cna set the mayyo on fire ?

Elliot: What exactly will that accomplish?

Alex: fire is cool 

Sebastian: dumb jock has a point. fire IS cool...

Alex: thnks!

Alex: wait.

Abigail: fire sounds fun!!

Sam: yea!!!!

Shane: Well it’s better than having to talk to mayor Lewis. 

Maru: If any of you come into the clinic with burns because you willingly started an oil fire, I’m telling Harvey to charge you an extra stupidity fee. 

Haley: Prettyyyyy sure you aren’t allowed to do that, hun 

Maru: YES I AM AWARE.

Sam: uhoh she mad o-o

Sebastian: lmao

Abigail: so!

Abigail: all in favor of Fire?

Sam: me :)

Sebastian: hell yea

Penny: No????? Don’t start a fire?

Penny: I shouldn’t have to say that?

Maru: I’ll tell Lewis and you’ll all get community service.

Sebastian: fucking snitch.

Abigail: laaaaaaaame

Alex: aw

Elliot: I don’t believe fire would solve anything, and there’s risk of the flames spreading.

Maru: Yes exactly!

Abigail: we could do it on the beach!!

Maru: No!

Sebastian: What, you think we’re gonna catch the fucking ocean on fire? 

Maru: The docks?

Elliot: My house??

Abigail: ok

Abigail: well

Abigail: fuck

Abigail: we can think of something else…

Haley: Can’t believe it’s been like an hour and we still have NO PLAN!!!

Shane: It has been 15 minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I’m having a lot of fun writing this. Also it’s really hard trying to keep a bunch of distinct writing styles in my head so apologies if some of them are a bit inconsistent! I’m doing my best!


	3. Maru is Done™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily shows up, a couple more ideas are presented, and Maru takes action.

\- Fall 16th || Year 1 -

Emily: Hello!

Emily: I finally finished reading through the whole chat!

Maru: Hello. Please tell me you have an idea that doesn’t require someone getting injured?

Emily: …..

Sebastian: do you have a plan that DOES involve injuring someone?

Emily: No! Of course not!!

Sebastian: so the best idea we have is fire?

Maru: NO!

Haley: Oooh I have an idea!

Haley: We can all bring our Mayo jars to one person’s house and I can photograph them drowning in mayonnaise 

Alex: ok

Abigail: why???

Haley: We can send the photo to farmer and say “Mayo kills!”

Shane: That’s stupid.

Emily: Well I appreciate how unique of an idea that is!

Maru: I’m sad that this is genuinely the best idea any of you have come up with.

Elliot: Haley, I am unsure of what this would accomplish.

Sam: he’l b scard of mayo?

Penny: I… do not have much confidence in this plan.

Haley: Rude. You guys are cyberbullying me.

Sebastian: literally who among us would be willing to be covered in mayonnaise for this

Haley: We don’t have to take it out of the jar?

Elliot: Though this is better than setting my home on fire I don’t think it will exactly… work. At all.

Abigail: Wait I’ve finally gotten An Idea!!

Abigail: Hear me out,

Abigail: k so Haley you’re gonna have to fake your own death, but only like,,, For A Little Bit

Emily: I’m not sure I like this idea so far

Abigail: no no it’s good trust me!

Maru: You know what?

Maru: That’s it. 

Sam: uhoh

Maru: I’m done listening to this.

Abigail: uh…

Elliot: Technically you aren’t listening to anything, this conversation is in written form.

Maru: IT IS A FIGURE OF SPEECH. 

Maru: ANYWAYS. I am going to take action.

Shane: I feel like I’m gonna hate what happens next.

**Maru has added Farmer to the group chat**

Abigail: NO

**Abigail has kicked Farmer from the group chat**

**Maru has added Farmer to the group chat**

Haley: The girls are fightingggg

Farmer: Hey what’s going on?

Sebastian: …

Abigail: uh

Elliot: well… 

Haley: uhhh

Maru: Farmer, this is an intervention. 

Farmer: Huh?

Abigail: NOPE

**Abigail has removed Farmer from the group chat**

**Maru has added Farmer to the group chat**

Maru: Farmer, nobody wants mayonnaise. Maybe. MAYBE. As a one time gift it’s a nice gesture, but twice a week every week?

Maru: It’s just ridiculous!

Farmer: Oh ok.

Farmer: I uh. Thought you guys liked it.

Penny: We were being polite because we didn’t want to hurt your feelings…

Farmer: I wish you would’ve told me…

Farmer: I’m not really good with people. I thought that giving gifts would make you guys like me more…

Shane: Ok, sure. Why the fuck mayonnaise?

Farmer: I thought you guys all liked mayo?

Maru: It is physically impossible to eat mayonnaise in these quantities. 

Farmer: oh

Farmer: I didn’t really think about what you’d do with it…

Alex: wierd.

Haley: Why did you give it to us then?

Farmer: it’s easy to get and I thought you’d enjoy it!

Abigail: IT IS MAYONNAISE.

Farmer: I thought this is how you make friends!

Shane: WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE FRIENDS?

Farmer: Wikipedia…

Alex: wut 

Maru: What?

Sam: ????

Emily: If you wanted to be friends with us you could’ve spent time with us or talked to us!

Sebastian: yeah like a normal fucking human being

Farmer: Oh

Elliot: Gift giving is best received when the gifts are specific and from the heart. Not just mayonnaise every time...

Sam: i dnt mind the raw eggs tho

Farmer: Sam do you want me to keep giving you eggs?

Sam: jst giv them 2 my mom

Farmer: Alright!

Penny: Anyways now that we’re done with that! 

Penny: What are you guys going as for spirits eve?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t the end of the fic, just the end of the Mayonnaise-centric plot! I’ll continue updating this hopefully pretty regularly. I am having a lot of fun writing this!


End file.
